Ten things to know before moving to Spain

Tip 1

When dealing with any facet of Spanish bureaucracy, remember The Law of Falta Uno: that however many documents and photocopies you take along there will always be ONE missing. Always double check that you have every piece of paper that you think you might need (and possibly even a few more that you don't).

Be patient. Be assertive. Take plenty of reading material. Rope in a friendly mentor who speaks the lingo, and check any papers you are given with a fine tooth comb for names, dates, accounts numbers and more BEFORE you leave the desk or ventanilla (window). Any undiscovered glitch may set you back years. Oh, and don't forget the rabbit’s foot.

Tip 2

Do not forget to tip the butanero – the man (and it will be a man) who throws those two-ton orange gas-bottles on his shoulder and climbs four flights of stairs when the lift is broken to deliver what may well be your main source of heating and fuel.

Tip 3

If it is your birthday, don't stand around grinning, waiting for someone to buy you a drink, or bounce jauntily into work expecting to be showered with goodies. Not only do the Spanish drive on the wrong side of the road, they've also got the whole birthday thing completely wrong.

It's your birthday, it's your shout. As if it's not bad enough chalking up another year, you have to treat your colleagues and friends to boot. If it's your child's birthday, make sure he /she takes a big bag of sweets to school to share with his / her classmates.

Tip 4

Do not go to the beach in August. Three quarters of the population of Spain and their families will be there, too. Along with several kitchen sinks. You will wait nine hours to get served at a restaurant, another nine hours for the food to arrive, plus two or three more before you get fed up waiting for the bill and do a 'sinpa' (ie a runner, from sin pagar - without paying).

Tip 5

Do not pop into the bank / gestor's office / estate agent / post office / mechanic's between 9.30 and 11 in the morning. There will be a queue and one over-worked, stressed-out, don't-you-dare-complain employee will be holding the fort.

Should you wish to see a specific somebody, you can be sure said somebody will be in the nearest bar, tucking into his/ her segundo desayuno (second breakfast). If you can't beat them, join them, and order a nice large café con leche with a torpedo-sized toasted roll drizzled in oil, rubbed with tomato and stuffed with ham / cheese / tuna/ tortilla / or any combination thereof.

Tip 6

Remember, children are not only to be heard and seen. They are also to be picked up and cooed over at every possible instant, allowed to stay up as late as their parents during the summer holidays, and thought of as nothing but cute as they scream around your table while you try enjoy a quiet drink.

Tip 7

If you need to attract the barperson's attention, a polite raised finger and a timid 'Perdone' or 'Disculpe' (Excuse me) won't get you very far.

Clear your throat, along with however many decades of ingrained politeness, and yell: '¡Oiga!' (Listen, person-that-I-don't-know), or if you're really really brave, '¡Oye' (Listen, person-that-I-don't-know-but-will-speak-to-as-if-I-did).

That should do it, you'll fit right in, and no-one will mutter anything about 'manners' and 'upbringing'. Forthright and direct is ok. Just remember you can make your intonation sound polite – and smile.

Tip 8

Remember, time is relative. In Spain la mañana lasts until about 2pm, la tarde (the afternoon) stretches to nightfall, there is no word for evening, and the early hours have their own special name: la madrugada.

Tip 9

Do not attempt to buy a house, get a new kitchen put in, renew your driving licence, make an insurance claim, see a doctor, give birth etc in August. Spain is not in (It's gone to the beach. See 4).

Tip 10

Do not refer to catalan, valenciano or gallego as dialects of 'Spanish' or Castilian – unless you want to get right up the nose of a Catalan, Valenciano, Gallego big time. They are all languages in their own right, and are co-official with castellano in the autonomous communities in which they are spoken (ie Catalunya, Valencia and the Balearics, and Galicia).